"I'm a doctor, not a ...."

A few weeks ago, I found a Wikipedia article listing famous graduates of my alma mater. Among those listed was Leonard McCoy, physician. Wondering why the name seemed familiar, I clicked the link.

Dr. McCoy was the chief medical officer on the Enterprise. The Enterprise, as in Star Trek. And while I’m not a die-hard Trekkie by any means, I was surprised that I didn't recognize the name.

So, why is he on the list? Supposedly “Bones” attended (or will, since it’s in the future) my alma mater, Ole Miss. God bless Wikipedia.

Of course the character is know for the line “I’m a doctor, not a(n)…” An industrious author from Wikipedia compiled a list, which includes examples such as bricklayer, mechanic, and escalator.

I realized that over the years of my training, I have muttered "I'm a doctor, not a ..." several times.

For example, “I’m a doctor, not a personal maid.”

I don’t mind doing small things for my patients. An occasion glass of water or help to the bathroom isn’t beyond my realm of responsibilities. However, I’ve had a few who wanted me to wait on them hand and foot. Sorry, I'm not going to call the cafeteria and demand they send you a cheeseburger and fries, especially if you came in because of a heart attack. Your diet starts now.

No, we don't have HBO or Cinemax or other premium cable channels. No, we don't have a DVD player in every room. The Xbox is in the children's hospital and is reserved for the sick children. This is a hospital and not a hotel.

“I’m a doctor, not God.”

I had a patient who was recently laid off from his job and he asked me what I was going to do to get his life on track. Um, I can help your back pain. The rest is up to you, my friend.

On another occasion, a patient's daughter wanted me to guarantee that her father wasn't going to die before Thursday because that's when the rest of family was coming in. Sorry, my magic 8 ball says, "Ask again later". I'll get back to you.

“I’m a doctor, not a drive-thru.”

I don't mind answering a couple of questions from people who accompany a patient about their health. However, some people go above and beyond. If you're that many questions and/or problems, you need to schedule an appointment for yourself rather than trying to share one with Grandpa.

There is one woman I remember from my pediatric ER rotation as a fourth year medical student who was definitely guilty of this. She had brought her son in for chest pain. Before I could even being to question the boy about what happened, Mom wanted to know how she could tell she was dehydrated, what she could do about it, and how to treat dry skin. I quickly answered her questions (dark urine among other things, drink more water, and try lotion) and tried to return the focus back on her son. When I got to the physical exam, she wanted to know if I could check her ears, too. I responded that this was the pediatric ER. And the boy, he just had reflux.